Confessions of a Social (Anxiety Filled) Introvert

Sounds Funny Right?

I love being out around people.

Sometimes.

I know that my mental illness contributes to my “I can’t people” moments.  I’ve learned that is just a part of who I am now, and that’s okay.

I had a really bad anxiety filled “OMG I am going to be out in a group on the open water” moment Friday night.  This was right before my 2nd sea kayaking adventure at East Coast Outfitters on Saturday.  Now, I absolutely LOVE this activity.  Like LOVE LOVE.  But I had this “how can I get out if it” moment that I had to sit down and talk myself out of.

It is always worth it in the end, going out and doing something I love.

 

Happy Me.  I have awesome friends.

The struggle is real.  REAL.  So, to show you the weirdness that is me, here are some of my confessions:

  1.  I get the heebie jeebies just about every morning on the bus.  Especially if it is full.  I have to listen to my meditation app, a podcast, or turn up my music and try to make myself small so no one is touching me. I only talk if it is necessary, like if the bus is on fire.
  2.  I love people watching, just sitting out amongst the everyday hustle and bustle, but being in a large crowd turns me into a flight risk on occasion.  The “world is closing in on me” feeling sneaks up and turns me into a panic stricken ball looking for the nearest way out.
  3.  I get excited to make plans with my friends to do something AWESOME.  About 4 to 24 hours after the fact, my brain hijacks my heart and starts to plan an escape route. 
  4.  I can work a party like a rockstar, once I’ve had time to analyze the room. If there are too many “in my face people”, I start to plan my stealth, ninja-like, exit.
  5.  I love being in crowds and meeting new people.  Depending on my level of social energy, you may get the low down of who I am and what I stand for, or you just get the Cole’s Notes version of me.
  6.  I may want to spend every weekend out and about, but that drains the fun out of me.  There are days I don’t leave the apartment, and it doesn’t bother me at all.  Silence and a reboot are what I need.

In the right environment, I will flourish.  I just need to be with the right energy.

So, if I seem a little “stand offish”, I’m not.  I’m just feeling you (and my surroundings) out.

@crazymamaruns

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